How to piss off a New Yawker

The other day the Matador Network (no idea what that is) published a list of things that would piss off a New Yorker. Or a New Yawker, if you have one of those horrible accents. You know who you are. As someone who was born and raised in Queens and worked in the city for just under a decade this immediately caught my eye because I used to complain about the tourists and general annoyance of non-New Yorkers on a daily basis. Especially when working near Times Square (shootmenow). However, this list was kind of annoying. I guess it pissed me off! (Tee hee!) Here is the fully detailed list of things from the article. Looks like they’ve compiled these lists for other cities too – you should check out if yours matches up. Let’s see what’s accurate here…

Start of the article: “WHAT PISSES OFF a New Yorker? One word: Everything.” Well, I’m a very pissy person but I’ll call this one untrue. Way to generalize!

1. Walk Slowly. Yes. 100% We have places to go people! My mom used to always say that there should be a mandate set across the city that during rush hours tourists can’t be on the streets or in the subways. Also it’s not helpful if all five members of your family spread across the sidewalk so no one can go around you! Bonus points if you all hold hands. Even more points if you think it’s cute for your little kid to try and walk down or up subway steps themselves. If no one is around, go for it. Rush hour- what are you thinking??

2. Get mad at us for not “being polite.” This one is just stupid. I happen to think that New Yorkers are very polite. Just maybe not during rush hour.

3. Disregard our public transportation rules. Uhh yeah. Also, realize that you’re not in your home city where “the yellow line” means something. Our “yellow line” has three different trains and they DON’T ALL GO TO THE SAME PLACES. Same with orange, green, etc and so on. Refer to them in the correct manner, which is by number or letter. Then we’ll give you directions. (Also, if the train symbol is a diamond vs a circle, that means its an express train. Ta-da!)

4. Claim your bagels and pizza are better than ours. I mean this is something that is just untrue. So don’t even try to claim it. Seriously though it has to do with the good quality of NYC tap water, which means the dough for the pizza and bagels is that much better. I’m looking at you New Jersey.

5. Talk shit about our sports teams. Oh please. Boston is way worse than NY when it comes to sports, especially baseball. The minute I hit Boston proper and it comes out that I’m a Yankees fan, I’m verbally assaulted. NY fans will just make fun of your team, not insult your family and wish for your death.

6. Whittle us down to a single ethnic group. Who is the author friends with who does this? New York City is known as the melting pot of all different ethnicities.

7. Tell us your hopes and dreams and aspirations about living in New York City. Also dumb. You want to move to NYC? Awesome! Go for it! I’ll try to use whatever connections I have make it happen for you if you’re serious about it. Just know it’s probably going to be culture shock and at some point, you’ll probably regret moving. (Saying from knowledge of transplants who have felt this way at one point or another.)

8. Make fun of our “New Yawka” accent. More like, assume that everyone has a “New Yawka” accent. I certainly don’t (so I’ve been told) and since about 82% of people move to NYC from out of town/state, a lot less people would have the “New Yawka” accent than you’d think. Unless they’re from Staten Island or certain parts of Long Island. (Yeah, I’m generalizing. Shut up. Some of those accents are baaaaaaaad.)

9. Talk about how dirty New York City is, and how much it smells like piss. The author acknowledges that this is in fact, a true statement (especially in summer – gross). But yeah I could see how this would piss NYCers off. We know it’s dirty and often smelly. Get over it! Or move somewhere else.

10. Deny us our bottomless, boozy brunches. I feel like this is a dumb one to include because if you’re not a New Yorker you really wouldn’t have known about this (potentially) happening, but yeah, sangria brunch at Calle Ocho is the BOMB. Dave and I haven’t been in ages but I remember going one for a friend’s birthday and we had to go spend time at the Natural History Museum to sober up before going home, we drank so much!

11. Say that your favorite place in the world is Times Square. More like, “I really want to see Times Square!” Sigh. Whenever someone comes to visit from out of town and wants to go to Times Square, a little part of me dies inside. Yes it’s all bright lights and huge stores and giant red TKTS steps but dear god the crowds of slow walkers (see #1 above). I’d much rather take people to the village or Chelsea Market, the Highline or ANY OTHER PLACE EXCEPT TIMES SQUARE.

12. Joke about 9/11. WHO DOES THIS? Please tell me who in their right mind thinks a joke about 9/11 is ok? Also the author states “I know that people outside of New York are not as sensitive about this event…” Umm way to make a general statement about people. Sure as a whole we New Yorkers are more sensitive about it because the tragedy was on our home turf. But what about the family members and friends of the victims who don’t live in NY? Or those who perished at the Pentagon and on Flight 93 in Pennsylvania? Ignorant.

13. Complain about the homeless. I mean… we have homeless people. So does San Francisco, Washington D.C., Chicago, etc and so on. Unless you live on a farm somewhere you should be used to the homeless problems of the United States, no?

14. Get pissed off when we get pissed off at you. This is just dumb. What did the author need to get to #14 and so this was added? And that bit about, “Everything pisses off New Yorkers, so we’re allowed to be perpetually pissed off.” WHO DOES SHE SURROUND HERSELF WITH? GET AROUND SOME POSITIVE PEOPLE ASAP! Oy.

There were a few that I found myself agreeing with on this list, but man, what a bunch of generalizations and random statements. How to piss off a New Yorker – throw a lot of random generalizations about them around. And yes I know that this is not a serious list and its meant to be light hearted and funny. But give me a break.

Are you a New Yorker (NYCer, more specifically?) What do you think about this list? Make sure you check out the detailed list on the Matador Network site itself.

See one for your town? Is that list at all accurate? I’m interested!

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Comments

  1. “Unless you live on a farm somewhere you should be used to the homeless problems of the United States, no?”

    No. A great many people from the suburbs – not just farms – have never seen a homeless person in their lives, or not with enough frequency to keep them from being surprised when they get to a place like New York. The first time I was there, I broke down crying at one point because I had never seen so many homeless people & just didn’t know or understand or comprehend how bad it was, how heartbreaking it is. I think that for people raised in or near cities, this one is a given, but for people who aren’t? It’s really jarring.

    Also: The DC list is so dumb, & I hate it. Except for the escalator bit.

    Still an interesting read :)
    Kate @ GreatestEscapist.com recently posted…The Time Macaulay Culkin Made a Sexual Innuendo To MeMy Profile

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