Guest Post: My Wife, Sandwich Nazi

As promised in my last post, Dave and I have prepared a tutorial for you on how I like my sandwiches made for lunch. Well, Dave wrote up the instructions. I took the pictures. (Please note that a lot of this is blatant lies and slander. I’ll let you figure out what parts are actually true.)

With our move out to Long Island, with a new house and new baby, came a very large increase in our expenses. Lacey and I went from being carefree and wastefully indulgent renters – wining and dining throughout the town – to miserly coin counting homeowners virtually overnight. Well, not exactly overnight, old spending habits die hard (did I really need another guitar?), but slowly and surely we have adapted our habits to the new reality of coupon clipping and saving wherever we can.

One of the new methods of saving money we have employed is by preparing our meals for the day at home, and bringing them to work rather than buying our breakfast and lunch everyday. And by “we prepare” I meant “I prepare” under the steely supervision of Generalstaboffiziere Lacey Bean.

Making a sandwich for lunch for most people involves slapping some meat, cheese, and some dressing between two slices of bread. Sure, you can add some veggies, or some pickled something or another to spice it up a bit- but it is by no means a complex operation. My wife refuses to acknowledge this. To her the lowly sandwich is no mere means of sating of hunger- no, it is a precisely tuned machine, one that is only worth eating when it is built to exacting specifications, where a slight mustard miscalibration or improperly balanced lettuce component sends the whole sandwich spinning out of control, straight into the garbage can.

It starts with the bread selection. White is never an option. Whole grain, multi grain, grains on top of grains- these are the choices. I imagine if there were a single grain available the size of a loaf of bread, this is what Lacey would slice into for her foundation. (We never buy white bread. Don’t pretend like it’s just me!)ย Once you have found a suitable mat of marsh grasses compressed into bread form, cut of the butt ends. Admire how they protected the soft insides of the loaf before unceremoniously tossing them aside, never to be eaten. Or to be fed to the husband. Whichever, so long as it is not a part of any Lacey sandwich.ย (Who likes the butt end of the bread? Stray cats, that’s who.)

Even though we started with the brownest slices of bread available, toast it. Evenly, but with no black marks. Reasonable, I assume, but when she reaches for the knife and furiously scrapes off any slight bit of too-dark bread I can see her casting aspersions at the toaster, as if it was conspiring against her.

My wife claims to like mustard on her sandwiches. This is an exaggeration at best, a trap at worst. See the amount of mustard on her knife? You could barely see it, right? Lacey likes mustard in homeopathic quantities. She doesn’t even spread that mustard on the bread. She blows gently over the knife, and whatever essences wriggle free are all she uses. Mind you, this ritual only occurs on one slice of the toast. The other side remains untouched by mustard, it is reserved for lettuce and tomato.


There must be exactly two slices of tomato, and the slices must be from the middle of the tomato, just like the bread slices. If the two slices of tomato are wider than the bread when placed next to each other, choose two different slices. Repeat the process until the tomato slices cover once side of the bread but do not reach out of the confines of the sandwich- that is the lettuce’s job, and we will not allow any tomatoes to usurp lettuces position as guardian of the crust.


This point is where Lacey’s love of squares comes into play. The romaine lettuce is to be folded into four rectangles, and placed over the tomato. On top of that, four slices of square american cheese, evenly squared and placed over the bread. Over that? An equal proportion of turkey – the turkey to cheese height ratio over the lettuce must be 1:1. Everything neat, measured, and pressed for presentation.
SandwichWhen combining the two halves of the sandwich, the two slices of bread must be perfectly aligned, as they were when originally in the loaf. No turning one slice backwards or upside down. She must be able to remove all the sandwich essence from the center and recreate the loaf as it once was, if she so desires. She has never once desired to do this- but I believe she gains some sort of comfort from knowing that she could easily undo all that has been done, thanks to correct bread placement.
IMG_0742Finally, we’re done. Hey hon- your sandwich is… what… oh… really? But… it’s… i see. I didn’t slice it in half through the center, I went diagonal. OK, fine, I’ll eat this one- and start over on yours…


  1. I’m particular about my sammies too. A well constructed sandwich is a thing of beauty.

  2. I am fairly particular but nothing like this! I think my husband would divorce me haha!! Xx

  3. It’s cause for years you brought deli sandwiches to school you got spoiled

  4. Confirmed: no one likes bread butts.
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  5. Leslie Alter says

    sounds like a perfect sandwich to me!

  6. Haha, I LOVED this post!
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  7. I think you take it too easy. Tomatoes are like radioactive isotopes, they must be contained. They need to be either sliced and added moments before being eaten. By putting them between the lettuce and cheese at best your shielding them like a lead apron in the dentist office that we all know does nothing. Other than that… seems legit.
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  8. This made my day. Even if most if it isn’t true, thanks for posting as I needed some humor in today.
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  9. this is seriously so funny, i love it. and that sandwich does look delicious!
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  10. This made me go back and find a post I made with a sandwich questionaire. Most people who replied said NO WAY to bread butt. The masses are with you.

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  11. I think you submit this to
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