My Backyard is an Evil Place

When we moved to our house in May, I was super excited about our backyard. We have a ridiculously large yard, with a covered patio, and a huge shady tree and its privacy fenced on all sides. I imagined spending tons of time out there with Sadie, nights spend by our fire pit, tons of barbecuing, gardening, so forth and so on. What I didn’t foresee was being attacked every, single time I stepped foot into my backyard – otherwise known as the grassy DEPTHS OF HELL!!


That’s right – MOSQUITOES. These fuckers love me like a fat kid loves chocolate cake. Like a nerd loves Star Trek reruns. Like Richard Simmons loves spandex. (You get the picture.) They FLOCK to me. I once went outside to pick some tomatoes and basil from our garden, and came back in with at least 13 bites. It’s absolutely ridiculous! So meanwhile, whenever Dave would want to go sit outside, I found myself blatantly refusing for fear I’d get eaten alive again. Let’s not even begin to discuss how gross my legs looked with all the bites on them… and because I scratch like crazy, it’s pretty awful. (I can’t help it!)

It SUCKED. Between the mildly warm winter, and the fact that our neighbors who butt up against the back of our yard have a koi pond (mosquito breeding ground, anyone?) it was awful. Unbearable. And yet they left Dave alone! Or if he got a bite, it was gone the next day. (Jerk.)

And by the way – we had citronella candles. I tried spraying myself. I bought one of those Off fan thingies. NO DICE. A-hole mosquitoes. I am actually excited that it’s getting cooler out so the freaking bugs migrate south or die off or whatever they do. And it pains me to say it, but fingers crossed for a harsher winter this year. I WANT THEM ALL TO DIE!

/end mosquito rant



  1. southernbelle says

    Lacey, I’ve heard that the thermaCELL mosquito repellent works really well but is like $25. Also I have found much luck with Avon’s Org Skin So Soft oil. Also you can purchase at lowes Cutter Backyard Bug Control Spray.. or you could always knock in your neighbors for and offer them a mosquito dunk which they put in their pond to combat the mosquito larvae. Also Lemon grass can help too. Or you can buy a couple of the mosquito plants which are a genetically engineered geranium plant… Hope some of this helps with your issue!

  2. I get eaten alive just stepping outside, too, during mosquito season! And yep, my husband just laughs at me as he never gets bitten! I get bit in the weirdest places too – like my thigh when I have full pants on . . .

    My favorite go-to to ward off mosquitoes are the bracelets. Mine are that coiled stretchy plastic and they glow in the dark! I have a pack that comes with three and you bet I’ve got one on each ankle (even if I have pants, socks and shoes on) and one on a wrist. And I douse myself in OFF for good measure. Then I make sure to shower and scrub it all off before bed – it’s quite a process!

  3. I too get bit up like it’s my job and have found Skin So Soft from Avon to work well…also wiping your skin down with a dryer sheet used to be helpful when I was a kid. Weird, but I think it worked.

    I second the geraniums. I’m surprised your neighbors don’t do something about it. It’s not healthy for ANYONE.

  4. Aileen Johnston says

    Skin So Soft by Avon and also lots of Gin and Tonic! Not sure if its the gin or the tonice but hey any excuse for a drink!

  5. Our back yard is the same way! I love all these ideas. I’m going to try the dryer sheet and the gin and tonic (like I need an excuse to drink!). Good luck!

  6. They have been AWFUL this year. Every morning when I walk my dog, he runs onto the grass and like 12 million of them (might be a slight exaggeration) take flight and I scream and try to cover myself. I cannot wait for them to die die die.

  7. Holy shit, these are determined mosquitos. You can’t help that you’re naturally sweet but damn, 13 bites??

  8. eeek! mosquitoes are the bane of my existence. good luck!


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