Arielle and I used to have a book review blog, back in the day. We stopped updating it years ago, but we still discuss books we read all the time and belong to the same book club… which hasn’t met since before Sadie was born… ooops. Anyway, we both read 50 Shades of Awfulness and couldn’t get over how poorly written it was. I don’t think Arielle even finished the book. We decided that we needed to bring back our book reviews and give our non-filtered opinions on this atrocity to fiction.
Yes, I read the dreck that is 50 Shades of Grey. And then I read the 2nd and 3rd books, because I NEEDED to know what happened. Stupid trilogy sucking me into your money pit. I’ll throw E.L. James a bone and say that the writing improved mildly, and I mean MILDLY between the first and third books. But please, PLEASE someone tell me how this became a national phenomenon? No really, how?
I know I can’t do justice to a review like Lorraine over at Snark Squad does, but here’s my bullet-pointed spin on it. All three books, if you will, because really, it could have been one book and I’d have wasted less of my life reading.
- WHAT 21 YEAR OLD IN COLLEGE DOESN’T HAVE AN EMAIL ADDRESS OF THEIR OWN? I get not having a laptop, sure there are some students who can’t afford to. But not having an email address? HOW DID SHE GET THROUGH COLLEGE?
- Why, Miss Steele, are you aware Jose/Paul/whoever else wanting you, but yet you’re so awkward/such an outsider/whatever? Pick some character traits that don’t contradict with themselves and stick with them, E.L.
- E.L. has a bad habit of having Ana describe traits of Christian’s as “his”, when she just met him. As in, “He does such-and-such in that blankity-blank way of his”, or “He smiles in that psycho-stalker smiley way of his”. YOU JUST MET HIM, HOW CAN YOU KNOW WHAT HIS CHARACTERISTICS ARE?
- And I’m sorry, when describing Jose at some point, “He smiles his dazzling toothy all-Hispanic-American smile, and I can’t be angry with him anymore.” WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? Do Hispanic-American’s smile differently than others? Sigh.
- Her inner goddess pisses me off. And I think she needs some therapy to discuss a possible multiple-personality disorder between herself, her inner goddess and her subconscious. They all seem to be battling it out in there. Must have something to do with her equilibrium being out of whack.
I don’t want to ruin the rest of the series for anyone who hasn’t read (and still wants to) so if you don’t want some spoilers STOP READING NOW…
- If you agree to marry someone after only knowing them a few weeks, YOU ARE A MORON. MORON!
- Your boyfriend buying out the company that you work for to protect you or whatever – totally weird/not okay.
- WTF was with the lipstick map? I did NOT understand how that was drawn on him at all. And also why didn’t he wash it off for like, three days? Gross.
- E.L. James tries to be all fancy with the dialogue and it falls short since NO ONE talks like that in real life. But then, at some point in book three she has Ana answer a question with “… something something my husband and me.” Nice E.L., nice.
- Couldn’t someone have bought E.L. a thesaurus so she could have used descriptive words other than “growled”, “murmured” or “gasped”?
- Ana needs a punch in the face. That’s all.
- Why does she know so much about cars, but has never used Wikipedia before/calls Google “her friend Google” when referring to Kate using it?
- WHY IS EVERYTHING ABOUT THESE BOOKS SO CONFUSING/CONTRADICTORY?
- WHY IS E.L. JAMES MAKING MONEY OFF THIS CRAP?
- ARE HER CHILDREN EMBARRASSED OF HER?
So many unanswered questions. I can’t believe I wasted time reading this pile of word vomit. At least I can have solace in the fact that I’ve still never read the Twilight series. I’ll always have that!!
Make sure you check out Arielle’s review – she’s keeping a list of the other bloggers who
slammed reviewed 50 Shades today too.