My uterus is officially closed

Oh yes. That’s what I told Dave on the phone and via Twitter yesterday after getting off my flight from NYC to San Francisco. Why is my uterus closed, you may ask? Please see the below diagram for an explanation:

If it’s hard to see the text on the diagram, then I will explain that I was SURROUNDED BY BABIES on my flight. And not just surrounded by babies, but surrounded by CRYING BABIES.

I am not a parent. At least not yet. But I do understand that it must be hard to keep an infant/toddler quiet and content on a 5 and a half hour flight. But please – TRY!!! Some parents were, and I give them due credit. But to the parents directly behind me? You suck. Your toddler should NOT be screaming and carrying on for almost the entire flight, and when she decided it would be fun to kick my seat and bang the tray table a bunch, that’s not ok!! I shouldn’t have to lean over my seat to glare at you and tell you that your kid needs to stop what she is doing, only to have your method of discipline be to tell your kid to look at me, cause I’m upset. No, YOU should be upset at your child’s behavior!! Clearly you don’t know how to control your child, and that’s upsetting.

And to the parent’s of the other child that was carrying on (and I think you’re from the same family), when your kid isn’t crying, but just making that whining, fake crying noise FOR THE ENTIRE FLIGHT? It’s not ok. And it needs to stop. There’s no reason for it, and there’s no reason at all for you to be ok with it either. It’s not cute. It’s not anything except annoying as all hell.

Thank god for my headphones. That’s all I’m saying.

Oh and also – the parents with the annoying kid right behind me? If your kid shoved her hand through the cracks of my seat one more time? She wouldn’t have liked what would have happened to her hand. Just a warning for next time.

P.S. Dave? Maybe if my flight back to NYC is a quiet experience my uterus will be open for business again. Keep your fingers crossed.


  1. The Northerner says

    Ugh, I don’t have kids either and I imagine it is quite hard to keep babies/kids quiet, but this seriously might be one of the most annoying things in the world. In addition to crying/screaming babies and children in restaurants.

  2. Wait! You’re in SF! Yay, hopefully the weather will get better (at least where I am right now, it’s overcast).

  3. I used to see other people’s hoodlum children and think I’m never having kids, but I’ve changed my mind. Their kids will continue to be annoying, regardless of whether I have kids or not. I might as well have my own so I’m too busy entertaining them/beating them into submission to notice anyone else’s brats.

  4. theycallmecurlysue says

    Oh no way. I would have gone out of my mind also. Hope your trip back is better. Once I was waiting for my plane to board and this family with five kids were having a hard time getting their kids to shut up. I prayed they wouldn’t be on my flight, and if they were they wouldn’t be behind me. Oh, guess what kind of luck I had!

  5. oh wow that would have driven me crazy, i can only handle so much crying babyness. oy.

  6. Children of the Nineties says

    My coworker just had a baby and had an awful experience taking her on a plane. I felt bad for her, but like you said, at least she was making a serious effort. I give her points for that.

    I don’t know if I’m especially intolerant or what, but I don’t understand parents that completely tune it out. I was out shopping the other day and a child was screaming and his mother was just nonchalantly shopping and ignoring him. Maybe she just doesn’t even hear it.

  7. Confessionelle says

    I love kids, especially my own nephew to death, but I absolutely can’t stand other peoples’ children. It drives me crazy. I felt bad and told my friend this and she actually is on my same page. I love kids, I just hate other peoples’ children!! I can’t say more!! LOL

  8. This post had me laughing multiple times beginning with the title….

    ummm and whyyyy haven’t we met yet?!

  9. I'm totally with you, babies screaming is not fun on a flight. And yeah, its usually the parents who aren't doing anything to stop them.
    Here's to hopping better flying next time! 🙂

  10. I feel bad, but I always dread flights when there is a baby on board. I couldn't imagine being on one with multiple babies. Poor you!

  11. Shoshanah says

    I'm pretty good and putting on my ipod and zoning everything out for a flight. I guess I'm lucky that way. But if I had hands poking into my seat, I'm sure I'd noticed that. At least you made it through though, right?

  12. i totally feel your pain. we had to MOVE our seats so an entire family could sit together behind us. big mistake. after a relaxing week in aruba, that was like the last possible thing i wanted to be around!

  13. corkyshell says

    Haha…I remember on my flight back from Greece, I was so tired and a toddler kicked my seat the entire 10 hour flight, ahhhhhh!

    Cute post 🙂

  14. Holy christ, that would close up my uterus too. Actually it would nail it shut. You poor thing. Oy.

  15. Parent to a 1½ year old says

    As a parent I find this very rude. It’s not as easy to entertain a child as you all seem to think, on any trip, and it doesn’t get any easier with age. In fact, I’ve noticed at actually gets worse, since they become more aware of their surroundings and what they’re NOT doing.

    Either way, you try doing it before you go ragging on other parents.

    And as for the tuning them out, sometimes it’s all you can do to refrain from going absolutely crazy.

  16. Little Match Girl says

    I totally understand! My flight back from Florida yesterday was full of unruly children and poop! Yes thats right, poop! So I would like to add to all the parents out there flying with your children…bring extra diapers!!!!!!!

  17. this post is hilarious!!!

  18. I will never be able to have kids because I’d throw mine out the window if it acted up. UGH babies suck.

  19. Busy and crowded planes or public transportations and even restaurants make me hate kids. I believe you’ll love your own though. Parents are too smitten by their babies they can’t see their flaws sometimes.

  20. Wearing Mascara says

    OMG…. yea my uterus would be closed after that too.

  21. The worst!

  22. Ana from far away! says

    When I came back from Spain, there was a kid first yelling and crying, so his mom gave him a cookie to distract him… I thought what a genius! But then the kid started spitting the cookie to the people around him… 9 hours… and he didn’t stop moving, or yelling or spitting food. If only I could travel first class! I never see yelling babies there…

  23. hautepocket says

    I've said so many times that children are the best form of birth control!


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