Playing the waiting game sucks. Especially when you’re waiting for something bad to happen.
I’ve mentioned before that my grandmother isn’t doing well, and that we’ve moved her to hospice care. And although I’m glad she’s not at the hospital, and she’s in a place she can be comfortable, a hospice isn’t a good thing.
She’s been getting progressively worse as time passes, and I find myself in a limbo or sorts, waiting for the inevitable to happen. Speaking to my mom last night, she thought it may happen today. I’m set to leave work in about 45 minutes, to have my dad pick me up and drive me to the hospice.
Honestly? I hope that it happens today, if not soon. Don’t take it the wrong way, but seeing my grandma slowly deteriorate from the woman that I knew even two months ago is killing me. The fact that I KNOW she’s unhappy, and uncomfortable, is extremely upsetting. Would you want a loved one to suffer?
At my cousin’s Bat-Mitzvah last weekend, they did a prayer for the ill. And during that prayer, when the Rabbi gives the word, you can stand up, and say the name of someone that you would like to add to the prayer. I was holding it in pretty well until my dad stood up and said my grandmother’s name. In his suit he stood up, and in a loud, clear voice said “Shirley ______”. Then I lost it, the tears pouring down my face as Dave reached over to hold my hand. My only consolation – my mom had chosen right before that moment to leave the room, to go to the bathroom or whatever, and missed it. I’m happy she did.
I’m tired of holding my breath. Tired of flinching inwardly every time my work or cell phone rings with my parents numbers coming up on the caller ID. Tired of people asking how she is doing, and not being able to give any other answer besides a shrug, a glassy eye, and a “you know…” with an accompanying head shake. Tired of seeing my mom looking so tired, from going to work and then straight to the hospice every day. Tired of my dad having to relive his mom, my paternal grandmother being sick and in a hospice every time he visits his mother-in-law. Tired of my grandfather sitting there, trying to do whatever he can to make his wife of 50 years plus happy.
I’m just tired.
Oh honey, I’m so sorry. I’ll be thinking of you.
Man. This is so tough. But there is absolutely nothing wrong with hoping it happens soon. She probably hopes the same thing. It will be nice for her to be at peace.
I’m sorry sweetie, you have the blogosphere at your back.
aw lacey i’m so sorry. i’ll be thinking of you too
I’ll be thinking of you and your family. I am so sorry you all have to go through this.
I know it’s hard. I’ll be thinking about you and your family.
You’re describing the exact thing my family just went through with my aunt. If I forgot to bring my cell phone with me to work, I’d panic and email everyone in my family to tell them to call my work phone. It’s horrible. Do NOT feel guilty for wishing it to be over soon. Chances are, your grandmother sort of feels the same way.
Stay strong. And never hold back your tears.
Crying helps.
We had something like this with my grammy – she collapsed one day, they found a brain tumor, and then it was hospice and not very good quality-of-life for her. It was a quick decline, but so painful to see. At the end, it was a blessing for her to have all of that end. It is always awful to lose someone, but sometimes, it is the right time.
I’m sorry you and your family are going through this. I am thinking of you!
Lacey, I am so sorry. I completely understand what you mean though about just wanting it to be over. Both of my great-grandparents who helped raise me in so many ways had cancer and it was to the point that I just wanted it to be over because I knew in the end it would be better for them than to have to suffer another day of it. And to me, that made it “easier” when it was over. I just knew that at least now, even though I was hurting, they weren’t and I would’ve made that trade any day. I’m sorry that this has been so long and drawn out for you and your family. I’ll keep you all in my prayers. Love you girl!
awww
I’m so sorry you and your family are going through this *hugs* <3
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Last year my grandmother who was never anything but healthy was diagnosed with cancer, and watching her from May-July deteriorate completely from the woman she once was to a shell of her old self was heartbreaking. It was more of a blessing that she passed when we did, so we didn’t have to remember her as sick and dying, but more so as her old self.
You’re in my thoughts right now.
I completely understand hoping that your grandmother’s suffering ends quickly. My grandfather walked into the hospital on a Tuesday morning and passed away by late Wednesday night–it was truly a blessing for him not to lose his independence.
Sending lots of good thoughts and prayers to your family today. Hugs.
You and your grandmother will be in my prayers. Don’t feel guilty for wanting this to be over. I know exactly how you feel.
I empathize with you. I’ll be sending you and your family good vibes.
Oh honey
Lots and lots of prayers for you and your fam!
I’m thinking of you honey, and I understand how difficult it is. When my pop was ill, we went through the same battles of wanting him to get well, and hoping it was over soon.
Love to you & your family. xo