Playing the waiting game sucks. Especially when you’re waiting for something bad to happen.
I’ve mentioned before that my grandmother isn’t doing well, and that we’ve moved her to hospice care. And although I’m glad she’s not at the hospital, and she’s in a place she can be comfortable, a hospice isn’t a good thing.
She’s been getting progressively worse as time passes, and I find myself in a limbo or sorts, waiting for the inevitable to happen. Speaking to my mom last night, she thought it may happen today. I’m set to leave work in about 45 minutes, to have my dad pick me up and drive me to the hospice.
Honestly? I hope that it happens today, if not soon. Don’t take it the wrong way, but seeing my grandma slowly deteriorate from the woman that I knew even two months ago is killing me. The fact that I KNOW she’s unhappy, and uncomfortable, is extremely upsetting. Would you want a loved one to suffer?
At my cousin’s Bat-Mitzvah last weekend, they did a prayer for the ill. And during that prayer, when the Rabbi gives the word, you can stand up, and say the name of someone that you would like to add to the prayer. I was holding it in pretty well until my dad stood up and said my grandmother’s name. In his suit he stood up, and in a loud, clear voice said “Shirley ______”. Then I lost it, the tears pouring down my face as Dave reached over to hold my hand. My only consolation – my mom had chosen right before that moment to leave the room, to go to the bathroom or whatever, and missed it. I’m happy she did.
I’m tired of holding my breath. Tired of flinching inwardly every time my work or cell phone rings with my parents numbers coming up on the caller ID. Tired of people asking how she is doing, and not being able to give any other answer besides a shrug, a glassy eye, and a “you know…” with an accompanying head shake. Tired of seeing my mom looking so tired, from going to work and then straight to the hospice every day. Tired of my dad having to relive his mom, my paternal grandmother being sick and in a hospice every time he visits his mother-in-law. Tired of my grandfather sitting there, trying to do whatever he can to make his wife of 50 years plus happy.
I’m just tired.